This upcoming election has consequences. In 2020, we saw then-President Donald J. Trump refuse to concede after losing reelection to Joe Biden, serving as an exclamation point on a term that was marred with turmoil, crises, and outright lies. As we head into 2024 with Trump as th … | Continue reading
- - - Our friends at The Believer are now publishing web exclusives. To celebrate, we’re sharing excerpts of their inaugural weekly column, in which Katie Heindl (author of the beloved Basketball Feelings) writes about the WNBA for both longtime fans and the casual observer. If y … | Continue reading
“In response to the controversy surrounding Harrison Butker’s commencement speech at Benedictine College, the NFL distanced itself from the ideas expressed in the speech, saying the league doesn’t share the beliefs the Kansas City Chiefs kicker voiced while addressing the graduat … | Continue reading
Hello, Architectural Digest. I am an A-list celebrity who has agreed to show millions of people the inside of my home—an intimate place that few eyes have ever seen… except this isn’t my home, because I don’t actually live here. In this episode of Open Door, I will give you a tou … | Continue reading
Dear Whoever Keeps Making My Wife Laugh on Slack, Enough. It’s just enough already. Now, listen to me carefully because I’m only going to say this once: your making-my-wife-laugh days are over, buddy. Do you hear me? Over. That means no more memes, no more GIFs, and especially no … | Continue reading
Final Exam Poli Sci 401 Yale University, Jackson School of Global Affairs Professor Howard Dean Part I (50 points) – multiple choice 1. Which of these public utterances would immediately end a candidate’s presidential ambitions? A. “I want to be a dictator.” B. “If [she] weren’t … | Continue reading
- - - In this era of economic turmoil, climate catastrophe, and cliques of cool teens just waiting to make fun of your shoes, we live in a heightened state of fear. We’re afraid of the world and afraid of each other—but not nearly as afraid as we should be! McSweeney’s contributo … | Continue reading
And… send. Sorry, I’m just wrapping up my application for a six-figure Data Analyst position at a fancy tech startup. Please continue with your interview questions. What makes me the ideal candidate for the open content director position at your fancy tech startup? Terrific quest … | Continue reading
Whether there’s something in my teeth. Whether my breath smells like fish after eating fish, or whether it smells like fish anyway. Whether I look older now than I do in any given picture. Whether my stomach is sticking out. Whether I’m yelling. Whether there is a slight chance s … | Continue reading
Hi there, just stopping by to thank you for your loyalty. It’s flattering, really, how you find a way to wedge me into every email, team meeting, and LinkedIn post. Look, you and I both know why I’m summoned so frequently. I am to vocabulary what a vintage wine is to a dinner par … | Continue reading
“Nearly half of Republicans believe California ‘not really American.’ ” — LA Times - - - After being jolted awake by yet another earthquake, I take a deep breath and compose myself. Ahhh… the sweet smell of smog. I rise, brew up a pot of fair trade coffee, and inject my arm with … | Continue reading
A 2023 Column Contest grand-prize winner, Laurence Pevsner’s Sorry Not Sorry investigates why we’re sick of everyone apologizing all the time—and how the collapse of the public apology leaves little room for forgiveness and grace in our politics and culture. - - - In the final ro … | Continue reading
What is the Forest Service’s new policy regarding the tick problem? We locate the hellbeasts wherever they have made the mistake of existing and send them to the flaming valleys of the Underworld from whence they crawled out during phase one of The Reaping. How will this be accom … | Continue reading
Veruca Salt: Like Captain Ahab, you are defined by an all-absorbing monomaniacal obsession: to find comfortable shoes that aren’t hideous. Pavement: You spent your twenties watching movies off the Criterion Collection to impress boys, and it actually worked, so now you’re stuck w … | Continue reading
In this column, Kristen Mulrooney writes letters to famous mothers from literature, TV, and film whom she finds herself relating to on a different level now that she’s a mom herself. - - - Dear Mrs. Pike, I hope all is well in sunny Stoneybrook, Connecticut. The school year is co … | Continue reading
I only have 137 days until my wedding, but I’m starting to worry I won’t finish all of the planning. You see, my mom just cashed in decades worth of goddamned Mother’s Day coupons. All at once. Let me back up—I was a small, cute child with no money and a dream: a dream to give, h … | Continue reading
Despite near-constant whining about how impossible it is to be a mother, really, it’s simple: you just have to be perfect. No, not like that. Not annoyingly perfect, like a show-off or something. You need to be effortless and self-deprecating in your perfection. Not that self-dep … | Continue reading
When COVID struck Rebecca Saltzman’s family, the virus unmasked a life-changing discovery: her husband and two of their kids had genetic heart disease. The kind where people drop dead. As their healthy wife and mother, Saltzman had a new role too—guiding her family through what S … | Continue reading
Need for opinion on whether or not the outfit looks okay. - - - Question about whether unrefrigerated leftovers are safe to eat. - - - Request to check childhood bedroom for an article of clothing that hasn’t been worn in at least six years. - - - Indecision about what to order i … | Continue reading
Dear Parent, This is an automatically generated message. A sweep of our camp registration system indicates we’re missing information we need in order to welcome your camper. The due date for this information has passed, and if we don’t receive it by the end of the day, your campe … | Continue reading
Though her family sometimes received food stamps and occasionally had their utilities cut off, Marcie Alvis Walker’s parents led her to believe that they were an average middle-class Black family. They encouraged her to pursue her dreams and told her that if she worked hard enoug … | Continue reading
WHAT TO INCLUDE: Mystical Language You want to make sure the overall vibe meets expectations. The tone cannot be contemporary, because that is not what the audience paid to read. Motherlands and fatherlands should be referenced lyrically as if they are fantasy worlds. Anything th … | Continue reading
There’s a lot of talk about what should be done to fix education in America, like increasing federal funding, decreasing class sizes, increasing teacher salaries, and investing in better teacher preparation. These are all nice ideas, but they’re totally abstract and conceptual. T … | Continue reading
- - - The world has changed in the hundred years since A. A. Milne introduced us to Winnie-the-Pooh and his pals, but that doesn’t mean our lovable friends haven’t adapted to life in the twenty-first century. This heartwarming, laugh-out-loud parody—by frequent McSweeney’s contri … | Continue reading
“Gen Z has been mocking millennial style with so much glee in the last few years that doing so has become its own TikTok trend.” — New York Times - - - I’m a millennial, and the media has been talking about how young and cool I am for over twenty years. Then, seemingly overnight, … | Continue reading
No, sweetheart. Don’t worry. They’re just pretend. Oh dear. I left my laptop open, and you read a LinkedIn post from an “Entrepreneur, Change Agent, Futurist, Success Enabler, Innovator & Investor.” And now you can’t sleep. Let me see if I can explain this in a way that makes sen … | Continue reading
1. Hypothetical Health Badge. When you resolve to start flossing every day. You don’t, of course, but even thinking about doing this is pretty impressive. 2. Reluctantly Pretentious Badge. When you start calling your significant other “partner” because no other label really fits. … | Continue reading
Yes, fine, kaadu egg on my face—I unwittingly designed a planet-destroying, fully armed, and operational battle station. But put yourself in my shoes: you’re a mid-tier, ambitious architect, and you get singled out of your whole firm, Coruscant Skyline Legacy, to design the bigge … | Continue reading
Mai Tran began catsitting in 2021 while Tran was on pandemic unemployment, often staying overnight in people’s homes. Tran has now cared for twenty-two cats and traveled to ten apartments all over New York City, observing the interior lives of cat owners and appeasing their neuro … | Continue reading
They should have a German word that describes the feeling you get when you’re speaking English, and you experience something that you’re sure Germans have a very specific word for but for which there is no direct English translation. The Germans, I’m sure, could create a word tha … | Continue reading
Monday is your new Saturday morning, the start of the weekend. Once your kids are at school, you have a lazy morning of self-care (clearing your inbox) followed by brunch with friends (an all-hands meeting in the conference room with stale bagels). You round out the afternoon by … | Continue reading
To our treasured [COLLEGE / UNIVERSITY NAME] community, This week, the unthinkable occurred on our [REVERENT ADJECTIVE] campus. An [INFLAMMATORY COLLECTIVE NOUN] overtook the historic [CENTRAL CAMPUS LOCATION NAMED AFTER PROBLEMATIC DONOR]. Thankfully, the [CAMPUS POLICE / MUNICI … | Continue reading
Dear Policyholder, As your automobile insurance carrier, we want to thank you for your continued trust in NOTONUS. We regret to inform you that we have elected to raise your rate—a difficult decision, but one that we feel is justified given the considerations outlined below. Reas … | Continue reading
In this column, professional speechwriter Chandler Dean provides partly satirical, partly genuine “How To” advice focused on a hyper-specific subcategory of speeches—from graduation speeches to wedding toasts to eulogies, and all the rhetorical occasions in between. - - - Hey, gu … | Continue reading
Your dummy Uncle Tim is getting married at sixty-four. His wedding is sure to be a bore. But have no fear, because when those church bells go ringing and Tim’s at the altar smooching, you’ll be in the third row bumping your head, earbuds in, listening to those Dune tunes. Dune: P … | Continue reading
I was having a quiet evening at home when, suddenly, I received a text. It was my friend Laura, asking if I was free Friday. But I already had plans to get dinner with a different friend—a woman Laura had never met, named Erica. I yearned to invite Laura along but knew, sadly, th … | Continue reading
Been There, Smelled That explores the aromas of places around the world. Travel writer Maggie Downs investigates some of the world’s most potent smells, looks at how odor cultivates a connection to place, and presents how humans engage with smells, from scents that have endured g … | Continue reading
“Red touch yellow, legless fellow. Red touch black, legs they lack.” Remembering that neither coral snakes nor scarlet kingsnakes have legs. “Uplifting. Star-spangled. Anthem.” Remembering the letters in “USA.” “A caT has two. A dOg has one.” How many horns common household pets … | Continue reading
Stage Zero: Unwelcome Discovery Your rather unrefined friend sends you a link to an AI-generated violin concerto. “Cool, right?!” she texts, followed by the laughing emoji. You touch the callus on your neck from your twenty-two years of playing violin. Suddenly, the memory of the … | Continue reading
“Trump VP contender Kristi Noem writes of killing her dog—and goat—in new book.” — The Guardian 4/26/24 - - - The dog is wiry and playful. Its red mouth hangs open and the tang of blood briefly throbs through the chilly South Dakota air with every heaving pant. The chicken stares … | Continue reading
“You MUST see The Lion King.” The last time you were in New York, Michael Bloomberg was mayor and nobody knew what a cronut was. “Why not try kayaking on the Hudson?” You do not actually like living in New York City. “Corner bodega bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich.” You haven’t be … | Continue reading
“The Supreme Court hears Trump’s claim to ‘absolute immunity.’ The justices are considering whether the former president must face trial on charges that he tried to subvert the 2020 election.” — New York Times, 4/25/24 - - - Hwaet! It has been over three years since Grendel smash … | Continue reading
A 2023 Column Contest grand-prize winner, Laurence Pevsner’s Sorry Not Sorry investigates why we’re sick of everyone apologizing all the time—and how the collapse of the public apology leaves little room for forgiveness and grace in our politics and culture. - - - This summer, Mi … | Continue reading
Hey there, Kinzleigh. Take a seat by my desk, crisscross applesauce. As you may know, this year’s Take Your Child to Work Day coincides with our annual performance review period. We felt it would be right for all employees to be reviewed, no matter how long they’ve been with us o … | Continue reading
Writing is an often solitary process, but it rarely happens alone. This brief email, which I hemmed and hawed over for seven weeks before finally dashing it off and sending it in a thoroughly uncharacteristic burst of un-self-conscious productivity, could not have happened withou … | Continue reading
Ha! A mistaken vocal inflection produced by the waitress when you mentioned you have a boat. Oh! Often produced involuntarily when you realize you are much kinkier than you thought you were. Wham! Your drunk uncle describing the impact of his 2018 Dodge Ram during his first DUI. … | Continue reading
Dear valued customers, Here at Weird Sisters Soups & Brines, our top priority has always been to prepare nourishing, ready-to-eat soups, enjoyable alone or with the whole clan. After a long day with kinsmen slaughtering foes in an odorous peat bog, there’s nothing like returning … | Continue reading